But this is no joke at all. After all, you can't build sales on just a sense of humor and the title of the fastest compact van on the planet. For there to be daredevils willing to pay over forty thousand dollars for a bright blue 240-horsepower "bus," there must be something else. It's not suitable for pure fun — there's the Astra OPC, which is faster, handles better, and costs less. So for whom did the gloomy German genius create this defiantly fast and cheeky compact van? Or rather — for what? Surely not for routine trips along the "home — work — store — dacha" route?

Picture this: Sunday morning, nine o'clock. A family of hardcore racing fans heads to the mall for groceries and clothes (of course, FIA-homologated). A drift-style parking job at the supermarket entrance — and a sprint for the shopping, racing against the clock. We time it with a stopwatch — a record broken! This time we were three seconds and twenty-one hundredths faster. Great, a new achievement!

All this is, of course, nonsense; nobody actually does that. Although the car is capable of it. Once the engine warms up, the Zafira OPC leaves fellow drivers no chance. The engine easily spins the front wheels even in third gear, and acceleration is accompanied by the same aggressive roar as the Astra OPC. True, the dynamics are no longer the same — with the same 240 horsepower, the Zafira accelerates slower. A hundred in 7.8 seconds, and a top speed of 231 km/h. Which is expected, since the car weighs 1665 kilograms. But the Zafira doesn't get thrown around in the ruts that the Astra dislikes so much. On a straight road, it's much more stable and, dare I say, calmer. For a track, that's irrelevant, of course, but for the Zafira OPC, the track is the city. The Nürburgring is far away, but the MKAD-ring is always at hand.

True, all the seconds you win dissolve into the minutes and hours spent in traffic jams. Whether it's 240 "horses," 40, or all 1040 — the difference is only in appetite. So, alas, the Zafira OPC won't gift you extra time. Instead, you'll have to save on gifts for the kids, telling them about bad behavior while you're pouring 20 liters per hundred kilometers into the tank.

Express trips to the dacha are also not an option. Look at those huge 18-inch wheels and the gap that the Germans, apparently by mistake, called "ground clearance." And then check the dealer's price list: how much will it cost to replace the wheels with tires or the front bumper. Cheaper to fly by helicopter, believe me.

So, is the Zafira OPC a family car for the city? Possibly. It's very comfortable to get into, visibility is excellent, and you won't slip out of the tenacious embrace of the Recaro seats even in the sharpest turn. The seats themselves, by the way, have become wider than in the Astra, which is especially pleasant for people of solid build like me. Now my back doesn't dangle without support, squeezed between the side bolsters. And my head doesn't hit the ceiling. But the gear lever, which was "a four out of five," remains so.

I remember the regular Zafira impressed us with its handling back then. I couldn't bring myself to call it a "bus." But this beast! When on a winding empty road I saw rapidly approaching headlights in the mirrors, I sped up. It was a 180-horsepower Peugeot 206 RC, whose driver clearly wanted to quickly pass another "dacha dweller in a minivan." But not that day — even loaded with seedlings, the Zafira confidently pulled ahead on straights and didn't give up in corners. And although the car holds its line very precisely, inside at that moment it's truly scary. The brain refuses to believe that it can take corners at such speed and that it's the one giving commands to the hands and feet. And if you press the Sport button on the center console, the OPC gets even more fun — the IDS Plus 2 suspension with electronically controlled dampers becomes stiffer, the steering heavier, and the throttle response sharper.

But what the passengers will say about all this is better not to test. After all, there are no compartments for paper bags in the back, and the screams of the occupants will drown out even the excellent audio system. Of course, we assume that in "our" family, only one is sick — the driver. When he drives alone, he hammers like a madman, and when with the family, he behaves properly. Or at least tries to. Will the family like the Zafira OPC in that case? Let's turn to our expert on family cars for qualified help.

There you have it. For family life, the Zafira OPC, as they'd say at the military enlistment office, is "conditionally fit." That is, it's called up only in emergency cases. And such a case can only be a maniac driver dreaming of a sports car but whose circumstances don't allow a small car. Otherwise, the suspension is still a bit stiff for relaxed driving, and it's too sensitive to bumps and other road imperfections. And for fast but not extreme family transport, there's, after all, the 200-horsepower version of the Zafira.

Thinking about all this, I stop at a traffic light. A couple of seconds later, a brand-new BMW coupe pulls up on the right. Behind the wheel is a guy who clearly intends to show his passenger the capabilities of his freshly bought car. A few seconds after the light turned green, I was already looking at two frowning "nostrils" in the rearview mirror.

No, actually, I'm strongly against such things. But seeing the face of someone who's been overtaken by a "bus" — it's something... And then it hit me! Maybe that's exactly what such a car is for? It's made for maniacs who take pleasure in "showing up" some poser or an arrogant street racer with a wing as tall as the Zafira itself. And the Zafira OPC is ready to show its teeth not only on the straight but also in corners. And after the dirty deed is done, calmly go about your business, take the kids to school and the wife to the store. And no one will know anything. Only the BMW driver will wake up in a cold sweat from nightmares.

But then it's better to order the OPC not in the signature bright blue color, but in some inconspicuous mouse-gray shade. Replace the 18-inch "snowflakes" with 17-inch wheels of an unremarkable design (you can't go smaller — the brakes won't fit), and unscrew the USB ports of the exhaust pipes. And, of course, remove those OPC badges. A true maniac shouldn't give himself away.

This is one of those cars that makes you smile even before you turn the ignition key. The Opel Zafira OPC is not just a minivan trying to be sporty. It's a minivan that truly became one. And it's not just about the body kit and 18-inch wheels, but about how the whole thing feels on the road.

I'll say right away: 240 horsepower and 320 newton-meters for a family car is a serious reserve. The turbocharged two-liter engine pulls from the very bottom, making acceleration surprisingly brisk even for those used to hot hatches. First gear in the six-speed manual is long, but that's more of a plus, because even in it you can accelerate well without fear of the wheels spinning. Although, if you don't stand on ceremony, the Zafira easily shows who's boss under the gas pedal.

The steering with electro-hydraulic power assist is tuned so that the car willingly turns into corners, and you forget you're sitting in a tall body. Body roll is minimal, and the rear semi-independent beam, which in ordinary life might seem simple, works surprisingly composedly here. The rear wheels follow the trajectory precisely, and the car doesn't get nervous even on uneven asphalt. At the same time, the suspension is stiff. This isn't a case where you can relax and float over waves. You'll feel every crack, every joint — but that's exactly what creates the feeling of control.

The brakes also don't let you down: ventilated discs at the front and regular ones at the rear hold the load well, even when you start driving actively. The stability control is tuned intelligently — it intervenes only in extreme cases, allowing the driver to enjoy steering while still providing a safety net in slippery situations. Fuel consumption, of course, isn't pleasing: in the city it easily reaches 13-14 liters, but that's the price for the emotions the turbo engine gives.

Inside, it's still the practical seven-seat Zafira. The third row folds flat into the floor, the trunk varies from a modest 140 to a huge 1820 liters, and the center console has various little things from the Flex Organizer package. The Recaro seats are a separate topic: they hug the body tightly and hold it in place even in sharp turns. These aren't soft chairs you sink into, but real sport buckets that take getting used to, but then they become your best friends.

The IDS Plus 2 interactive driving system adds even more aggression to the car. It steers the wheels, helps in corners, and makes the steering even more informative. In everyday driving, it's almost unnoticeable, but once you start attacking a winding serpentine, you feel all the electronics working for you.

Of course, there are compromises. To get this car in this trim with bi-xenon, navigation, climate control, and the Open&Start system, you'll have to shell out about 1,215,000 rubles (or $49,700). The base version with air conditioning and heated seats will cost 1,009,000 rubles ($41,300). That's a lot, but for that money, you get not just a minivan, but a true hot hatch in a body that fits the whole family.

In the end, the Zafira OPC is a universal car in the truest sense. It can be both a nimble toy for the driver and a practical vehicle for transporting kids and cargo. The main thing is not to confuse where one ends and the other begins. Because when you're behind the wheel, practicality is the last thing on your mind.