Once, Sir Paul McCartney was subjected to a huge scandal at Los Angeles airport when they tried to seat him in a white Mercedes S-Class. He shouted: "Who do you think I am? A drug lord?!!" – and headed to the taxi stand.

There are cars you want to get out of immediately – to walk or, at best, take a minibus. But if you force yourself, you get used to it after a couple of days. The Infiniti QX56 is exactly one of those. I was also terribly ashamed to get out of the dark gray QX, just as I was once embarrassed to show my face from black Hummers and Gelandewagens. It seemed to me that everyone hated me: that guy in the Renault Logan, that old man in the rusty Moskvich, and every pedestrian without exception. Anyone who decides to drive the "fifty-sixth" is doomed to be a scarecrow for others – they will never think that before them is a successful person who earned money for a good car, because in our country such cars are driven by prosecutors and party functionaries (regardless of political affiliation). And the ideal use for the QX56 is escort service.


MOBILE UNDERGROUND PORN STUDIO
It's unlikely anyone buys a QX spontaneously, just by dropping into the showroom on a whim. Serious reasons are needed for that. For example, it barely fits into an underground parking garage – there's about three centimeters left on each side. That's why the Nissan dealership keeps it outside. And where will you store it? If it's under the windows of your cottage on your own hectare plot – then there's no problem. And who will drive this airship for you – a chauffeur with skills in handling a semi-truck with a trailer?

Or maybe you're so crazy that only a five-meter three-tonner accelerating to 100 km/h in 7.8 seconds can quell the itch in your rear? OK, if only on the second second you don't drive over the roof of a Daewoo Matiz, on the third you don't crack a wheel on an asphalt crater, and on the seventh a traffic cop, zealous about road safety, doesn't impale you on his baton.


But it's impossible to resist pressing the gas pedal. You can't always drive at 90 km/h – in this mode the tachometer needle doesn't rise above 1500 rpm. At 140 km/h it approaches 2500 rpm, and after 170 km/h it reaches 3000 rpm. The claimed maximum of 325 hp is available at 5200 rpm.

Who's ready to accelerate further? I started to, but then one of the wheels hit an asphalt crack – and the QX wagged its rear unpleasantly. I made another attempt and suddenly noticed how the fuel consumption needle rapidly crawled toward the "dead" point and a red light came on (the hundred-liter tank lasted just over 300 km). And the third attempt, already after refueling, ended with such an amplitude of rocking on asphalt waves that those around probably thought – our car is a mobile underground porn studio.


FOUR TANKERS AND A DOG
Everything that can be said about this car is more than strange. On one hand, it's attractive for its size. On the other – it's the size that is the main obstacle (I drove into the car wash with folded mirrors and closed my eyes so as not to see how this flimsy car wash complex was collapsing). For some reason, the brochure says the QX is seven-seater. I found only four seats, and in the trunk there was a bench for a medium-sized dog.

It seems the engine should attract in the QX. But would a normal person participate in races on crazy hippos? Getting onto the highway, I constantly made a difficult choice: drive in the right lane or the left? In the right it's still more comfortable. In the left, the same story as with the AMG, when everyone around is one big obstacle. Where to put all the power of this wonderful engine? In the QX it's intended not only for acceleration, but also for pulling the traditional deputy's set: a heavy trailer with a yacht, snowmobile, ATV, and a killed bear.


But the thrust of the 5.6-liter unit is still more attractive. Let me frolic on a vacant lot! Set up cones, engage in active steering? Stop-stop-stop. You'll immediately feel: turning the wheel faster than the power steering wants is impossible, and as a result, at speed you can't fit into even fairly wide "gates".


TO NATURE WITH A CLEAR CONSCIENCE
No matter how expensive a car is, people will still drive off the road in it. I tried it too. The transmission allows driving in four modes: rear-wheel drive, Auto (when the front axle engages on wheelspin), AWD, and AWD Low. Driving in rear-wheel drive is useless – the wheels constantly break into wheelspin, so immediately into Auto and, when needed, low range.


When one of the wheels was hanging, it turned out that the electronics work quite correctly. At first it reacts as always, that is, it chokes the engine and brakes the wheels, but then it gives some slack and allows the pilot to act more freely. In general, the QX doesn't sit down like an Audi Q7 – immediately and irrevocably, but only after strong and prolonged resistance.


Geometric off-road capability, as always, is hindered by low and wide sills. If they were removed – and off to nature with a clear conscience. Will we get stuck? Well, the QX has two powerful hooks in front. Since the car has a frame construction, you can pull it more boldly. Just don't forget that the rear suspension is independent, and before evacuation work it would be good to dig out the arms if, unfortunately, they got stuck in some clay.


In three days, I never managed to get used to the QX. The feeling that some limonovite would throw a Molotov cocktail under my tank from around the corner never went away. The sense of the meaninglessness of such voluminous dimensions also remained. Every evening, arriving at the parking lot, I examined this Neanderthal salon and exclaimed: "Did I really carry this three-room apartment behind my back all day?!" This QX delights but tires, like everything excessive. Such cars should have some special task or an impossible mission, otherwise they just shake the air and hinder everyone else's driving. I propose to catch them and release them into their natural habitat – America.