Photo by Lenta.Ru

Hey, fatso!

Have you ever wondered what it's like to live with excess weight, when it's not about a couple of kilograms gained over the winter, but real obesity? It's not just "a couple of extra kilos" — it's when you weigh 130 kilograms at 170 centimeters tall, wear at least XXXL clothing, gasp for breath, and try not to notice the stares of passersby and children's questions: "Mom, why is that uncle so big?".

And honestly, hardly any of you would want to try that on yourself. I, however, spent several days behind the wheel of the giant SUV Hummer H2 and now I know exactly what I'm talking about...

Complexes

Any sane person — whether they've known the Hummer H2 for a day or a month — will sooner or later ask the inevitable question: "why?". Why did Americans need a car that is excessive in absolutely everything? In size, in mass, in its provocative appearance, and even in the stream of attention and envy that the Hummer and its owner inevitably attract.

And don't listen to those who claim that the H2 has become boring in Moscow and no longer surprises anyone — that's complete nonsense. If you're a shy person and find yourself behind the wheel of an "H2" in a half-hour traffic jam at a busy intersection, your modesty will come to an end: enduring hundreds of stares directed at the driver of this behemoth is incredibly difficult. They look at you constantly — always and everywhere! Interestingly, this big guy attracts almost more attention than some elegant Italian supercar.

And all because it's simply impossible to get used to the monstrous dimensions of this car! In size, the Hummer H2 even surpassed the military HUMVEE (H1) — it's longer, taller, and after the facelift also wider than its legendary predecessor, only yielding in wheelbase length. The phrase "how huge it is" in reference to the Hummer is heard so often that it could easily become the official slogan of the brand instead of the current "like nothing else".

As a result, one half of the brain stubbornly insists that this car is the embodiment of absurdity, and it's impossible to find any logical justification for buying it. But the other half simply melts every morning and evening when you approach the H2 in the parking lot near home or pick it up from the editorial parking.

City

Driving the "H2" around the city is like walking a hippopotamus through a crystal museum: you only need to be distracted for a second, and it will definitely crush something. Three tons of weight, along with a high center of gravity, turn it into a clumsy oaf — slow and unwieldy. Therefore, the driver has to constantly monitor the surroundings — through the huge side mirrors or just by glancing out the windows. And still, there's no guarantee that in the "blind spot" during the next lane change, some small Peugeot or Toyota won't be lurking.

And all this small fry constantly circles around the Hummer, like fish around a whale. They behave impudently and with surprising persistence try to cut in front of the H2 in traffic jams. At first, this is very annoying — what if I crush them! Not out of malice, just not noticing... But once you get used to the "long" steering wheel of the "H2", the leisurely gas pedal, and the sluggish brake response, city driving in this giant turns into a fun game of "who beats whom". And most often the Hummer wins — as soon as its bumper is at eye level with the driver of another impudent compact car, their desire to fight for a place on the road instantly disappears.

So it's quite possible to drive the H2 in the city, and over time you even start to enjoy it. The main rule is not to venture into the cramped courtyards of residential buildings. At least, not without a couple of friends who can act as "parking sensors" if needed — the standard parking sensors for the largest Hummer aren't even available as an option.

Freedom!

But the Hummer's true element is long-distance travel. And not on asphalt highways, but on dirt roads, fields, and forest trails. Although on the highway, the H2 also behaves quite decently — it accelerates to "illegal" speeds without problems and holds a straight line well. The only thing that upsets is the huge unsprung masses: despite the high-profile tires and soft suspension, the car shakes unpleasantly over bumps.

But as soon as you turn onto a broken dirt road, the H2 transforms — it flies along potholes and ruts at 60-80 kilometers per hour, and it doesn't care! The energy intensity of the suspension is simply phenomenal! You don't even need to brake before most bumps — all the potholes seem to dissolve in the depths of the chassis with levers thicker than my arm.

After a few hours of traveling along forgotten roads in the Moscow region, a heady feeling of your own invincibility awakens in your mind. It seems that nothing can stop the Hummer now! Neither deep fords, nor trees fallen across the road, which the giant H2 crawls over with feigned laziness. What are these trees to it, if it easily climbs steep obstacles up to half a meter high! The main thing is not to "sit" on the bottom...

Deep dried ruts, plowed fields, treacherous ascents and descents, muddy forest roads — the H2 overcomes all this playfully, growling with its six-liter V8 and howling with the all-wheel-drive transmission. It's, by the way, honest here — mechanical. With a low range, and locking center and rear differentials.

But the H2 has one drawback that seriously affects its off-road capability. Guessed it? Well, of course — it's its enormous dimensions and excess weight. Where a UAZ or Niva will easily pass, the Hummer will first knock down a couple of trees, and then sit in a shallow puddle — because three tons of weight is three tons of weight.

So, it turns out the H2 is inconvenient in the city, and it's not much of an off-roader either? Since it got stuck on level ground.

No, the "H2" is an excellent off-roader! It's just that its element is routes with difficult terrain, mountain trails, and steppe roads, not Russian swamps. But if you still decide to travel on the H2 across our native expanses — don't be lazy to install a higher suspension, the most "toothy" tires, and a powerful winch. Just choose a stronger tree to hook the cable to — because three tons of weight stuck in the mud... Well, you understand.