This situation repeats year after year. Engineers from Germany created a brand that almost never loses in comparative tests.
And yet, there is no person in the world who dreams of an Audi. Dreams are usually about Jeep or Land Rover, sometimes about Mercedes or BMW. And if someone dreams of an Audi, it means they have toothpaste in their head, and they just feel sick. Until this mess settles, someone manages to buy a Q7 and turns into a dissatisfied bourgeois jellyfish with a haughty face. Condescending notes slip from their lips. The favorite word is "tired," and the main pronoun is "me." But here's what's curious: if you take away the Audi from such a person, all the feigned importance instantly evaporates, they put on worn-out jeans again and stroll through the city in the evening. Only one thing cannot be returned: a former Audi owner will never switch to a Cadillac. That's beyond the realm of possibility.
Convince Audi's electronics of the seriousness of your intentions and everything will work out
Cadillac wins the hill race. Here its extra power comes in handy
TWO ORGASMS
The fate of the future Escalade owner, like the Audi owner, is decided from the moment of birth. A Cadillac driver can be recognized by a careful look at their hands. The left palm must be narrow and elongated, and the wrist flexible: with a different anatomy, you won't be able to turn on the windshield washer. An Audi owner is born with a diary where it's already written in advance who they will become, what color pants will be at their funeral, and even how many orgasms they are destined to experience. Usually it says "two."
A Cadillac driver is an unpredictable person. First, they brazenly cut off a Zhiguli, and a minute later they intelligently flash their hazard lights, thanking a Skoda. Behind the wheel could be a porn film producer—a father of five children. But the tandem "Audi and driver" is much easier to describe. Behind the wheel of a Q7, there's simply no one. German cars, like automatic capsules, carry indifferent bodies along the same route at the same time year after year. And, of course, they are all gray. It seems the Audi engine makes no sounds at all. At least, when a Cadillac is working nearby, the "German" is not heard at all. The Q7 has no dynamics, because when you press the pedal, it just starts moving faster, while the Escalade lunges forward with its whole body. The same picture with design. The Audi has no attractive appearance, because everyone around is looking only at the Cadillac.
The Escalade is at home in the field. The body-on-frame construction absorbs everything
On rough terrain, the delicate Audi shakes much more noticeably
If you force a Q7 owner to switch to an Escalade, you could easily lose them. Fear, horror, sorrow, and laughter. Isn't it scary to find yourself on an overly soft leather seat that tries to swallow you? Where to escape from the horror when the car doesn't turn following the steering wheel? Isn't it sad to freeze, never having figured out the climate control? And isn't it funny to see yourself from the outside—panicking inside American premium?
POLAR TESTS
The test day turned out to be exceptionally frosty. The thermometer dropped to minus twelve. The "Caddy" held up well in this Arctic chill. Only the washer nozzle on the wiper froze, and the automatically extending sill stuck to the body. Later, when I arrived at the gas station, it turned out the fuel filler flap had also frozen. But these are trifles compared to what the Q7 did. In such wild cold, its rear left door lock failed, and it flapped like a window in a draft. The photographer caught me in a shameful act: I was tying the rear door handles together from the inside with a dirty tow rope.
CLASS MYSTERIES
While the cars were thawing out, we pondered which class of SUVs to assign them to. Despite the fact that both cars are crossovers, created for asphalt and mostly used on it, several controversial points arose. The construction of the cars is different, as is their image. The Cadillac body sits on a frame. The rear suspension is dependent. These are signs of an SUV. But there is no low range in the transfer case, and the geometric parameters (approach/departure angles) are quite modest. These are already traits of a crossover.
The Q7 also lacks low range, plus it has a unibody and independent suspensions front and rear. A pure "parketnik." However, as an option, air suspension is available, increasing ground clearance to 280 mm, and this, no matter how you look at it, is an obvious utilitarian advantage. Only our test Q7 was "bare." But, surprisingly, this helped it. I often said that air suspension is a magical option. But now, when we were first given a Q7 on regular springs, I had to doubt it. Yes, it looks fantastic when a five-meter "crocodile" rises on pneumatic "paws" and calmly rolls over a high hummock.
Is the geometric advantage really that important for the Q7? We've been brainwashed by miracle advertisers from Audi. Who seriously uses all 280 mm of clearance on this car? Much more important is good damping on rough terrain and effective operation of the traction control electronics. And in these disciplines, the Q7 on regular springs wins. Air suspension, raising the body to the extreme position, leaves no rebound travel for the suspension—hence no softness, plus due to destroyed suspension travel, the wheels constantly hang out, causing ESP to continuously hit the brakes. On springs, the car doesn't jerk, rides smoothly, wheels hang out less often, and the electronics don't interfere during complex maneuvers.
"CADDY" — KING OF THE HILL
The Cadillac goes softer and more confidently off-road in any case. Its frame and body mount cushions dampen the biggest bumps, and suspension travel is impressive. The "American" also wins in traction capability. Its six-liter engine produces 540 newton-meters, while the four-liter engine of the "German" produces only 440. The difference is felt. Driving "on torque" is always more pleasant.
The electronic assistants in the Escalade are less strict than in the Q7. They allow plenty of wheelspin. And a trip on sand in an Audi is a tender dialogue with ESP. "Shall we go?" — "No, wait..." — "Now shall we go?" — "Just a moment, just a moment..." — "Come on already!" — "Here!!!"
The Cadillac and Q7 both easily conquer loose dirt climbs thanks to their powerful engines. But if you complicate the task and stop halfway up the hill, differences emerge. The Escalade roughly throws dirt and flies to the top on the edge where the wheels are almost completely buried, and the body lies on its belly. The Audi, immediately recognizing the abnormal situation, turns on its "intelligence" and waits to see if you'll abandon the dangerous maneuver. But with strong persistence from the driver, it gives in, gradually increasing revs, and at that moment you have to use your own brains. In the end, the game of king of the hill is won by a large margin by the Cadillac. Hurray, it's the best!
However, no. Overall, the "German" is excellent, and the "American" is terrible, so I'll choose the Audi, as any normal person would. Just don't make me drive it.
