Camouflage

In the capital, no one turns heads for a BMW X5 M. At best, they might cast a fleeting glance due to the unusually rich color for this model, since almost all X5s on our roads are either "black as pitch" or "silver to the point of nausea." And certainly no ordinary person would guess that before them is the fastest production SUV on the planet, which hits 100 km/h in 4.7 seconds.

The true essence of the BMW X5 M hides
under the guise of an ordinary SUV

But blaming fellow drivers for inattention is also not worth it. The X5 M simply doesn't reveal its true nature. The front bumper with huge air intakes is not particularly refined, ventilation slots on the fenders and twin exhaust tips can now be seen even on modest family sedans, and modest 19-inch wheels (winter configuration instead of 20-inch) deprive the "M" of any last hint of ostentation.

In the interior, there are even fewer differences from the standard BMW X5. Red-blue stitching on the steering wheel and quite civilian seats—wide and fairly soft, somewhat hard plastic on the dashboard with carbon fiber inserts—that's perhaps the entire list, not counting the tiny "M" badge on the steering wheel hub and gear selector, as well as similar embossing on the headrests.

The X5 M's camouflage is so flawless that even in motion, at city speeds, the car feels... ordinary. A bit stiff—agreed, but absolutely not extreme. The suspension calmly swallows cracks and seams on overpasses, the automatic smoothly shifts through gears, and the engine barely murmurs under the hood. And the brisk acceleration and almost car-like handling—all that the civilian X5 with the 407-horsepower twin-turbo V8, which is a million cheaper, can also do.

But where is the legendary aura of "M-mobiles"? Where is the furious temper of the 555-horsepower engine, where are the lightning-fast shifts, where are the G-forces that my vestibular apparatus prepared for after reading the X5 M's spec sheet? Where is everything we love Bavarian cars with the cherished letter "M" for?

Stop, stop, don't underestimate the "M-SUV." First, listen to how this beast starts after an overnight stop—ordinary cars don't roar like that.

After a brief starter whine, the eight-cylinder unit awakens with a hoarse roar and holds high revs, making particularly sensitive car alarms of neighboring vehicles shriek hysterically with its thunder. As it warms up, the noise subsides, and the huge SUV seems to doze off.

The first kilometers are best driven at a measured pace: let the transmission warm up, let yourself come to your senses, and only then truly wake the X5 M—by injecting it with a lethal dose of "M-adrenaline" by pressing the inconspicuous button on the steering wheel. A short impulse, running through the car's nerves in an instant, transforms its character beyond recognition.

The head-up display switches to "M mode" and shows only revs and speed, the gearbox switches to the fastest algorithm where shifts take just 0.15 seconds, the adaptive suspension tightens, the steering wheel fills with heaviness, the accelerator becomes indecently sharp, and the stability control system switches to M Dynamic mode and almost completely disables traction control. Additional flaps open in the exhaust, and the X5 M regains its voice—deep, with a slight rasp.

At full throttle, the X5 M sounds
truly loud and angry

A standing start in "M mode" is stunning even without Launch Control: a tiny pause—and the nearly 2.3-ton behemoth launches with a powerful jerk. The main thing is that there should be asphalt under the wheels, preferably dry. Because even on slightly damp pavement, the "M-SUV" tends to swing sideways, despite the smart xDrive all-wheel drive with preemptive locking of the center clutch and the widened rear track.

The first "hundred" is exchanged in one breath; gears change with noticeable kicks, very quickly and without lifting off the throttle—the electronics only momentarily cut off some cylinders to reduce load on the transmission. But the most vivid emotions come from acceleration in third gear. An avalanche of 680 Nm of torque pushes the SUV with such force that the pace of acceleration becomes unsettling. It seems the X5 M will keep accelerating until the road or fuel runs out.

There is not a gram of relaxation in the X5 M's responses. In "M mode," the "M-SUV" is a bundle of nerves, and the gas pedal is a direct extension of your foot to the intake valves. The steering, despite being overly heavy, is very informative and allows you to precisely feel the grip reserve of the front wheels.

The tall X5 M exhibits almost neutral handling. But in corners, the mass makes itself known: if you overdo the speed, the SUV leans its full weight onto the outer front wheel, and the front axle begins to slide outward. And if you ease off slightly, the car willingly screws into the turn under power thanks to the active rear differential, which, on command from the electronics, nudges the outer rear wheel.

On slippery surfaces, the BMW X5 M
shows pronounced oversteer

True, on dry asphalt, it's not easy to savor all the delights of the luxurious all-wheel-drive transmission—the limit beyond which the drive's intervention in handling is felt is too far away. And it's better to approach it on a closed track. We, by the way, were lucky—at the end of winter, there was plenty of snow and ice on country roads. It was here that the sporty xDrive settings revealed themselves in all their glory.

Oh, that rear-wheel-drive character of the BMW X5 M—it's simply impossible to resist the temptation to take the next corner in a slight drift! Press the gas a bit harder—and the rear axle immediately slides out. And then—complete freedom! If you want, hold the pedal in that position and, with slight steering corrections, glide smoothly to the exit. Or if you want, add more gas: then the all-wheel drive will transfer some torque to the front axle and, maintaining the drift angle with fine throttle control, allow you to take the corner in a deep slide, gradually straightening the trajectory.

The smart electronics work so precisely that you can steer in a drift solely with the throttle, using the steering wheel only for corrections. But even on deserted roads, you shouldn't get carried away with sweeping driving—the large mass and high center of gravity of the X5 M make their own adjustments. On surfaces with varying grip, the slide phases stretch out significantly, and the huge "M-SUV" might simply run out of road.

The bright blue X5 M stands out only on white snow,
and in the city it camouflages perfectly

But the most interesting thing is that the furious temperament of the BMW X5 M can be locked away at any moment. Just press the same "M button" on the steering wheel, and the car turns back into a regular X5. Moreover, the owner decides what "cocktail" to prepare for the next dose of "M-tranquilizer"—everything is configured through the on-board computer menu. You can, for example, keep the sporty M Dynamic mode for the engine and gearbox, but soften the suspension and tighten the stability control. Or you can put together your own combination.

This is precisely the whole essence of the "M-SUV." Unlike its flashier sibling, the BMW X6 M, the X5 doesn't flaunt its abilities. It's practical and quite suitable for daily commutes to work: the trunk is huge, and there's plenty of room in the back row. But at any moment, it's ready to shed its camouflage and rush into battle.

Technical specifications of the BMW X5 M